I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
