If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize