So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
