Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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