you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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