Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
