I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
