literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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