After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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