omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
