Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
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Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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