Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
