my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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