Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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