I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
