There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
