I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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