i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
