I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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