Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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