I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
