The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
