She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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