Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
