I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
