Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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