His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
only if we run a train.
done.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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