i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
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