So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
