A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
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