so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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