It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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