my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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