Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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