What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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