Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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