She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
