You're my little dorito
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
