when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
