you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
