Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
