I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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