I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
