Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
