Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
