Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
