Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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