Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
