Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
