Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
