I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
