I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
