were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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