She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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