if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
