Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
