I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
